VDay
by pokeyspot
Summary: CRACKFIC The most dangerous day of the year in Konoha. Valentines day. Kakashi and Iruka are wanted men. Now featuring KakaIru and SasuNaru CRACKFIC.
1. Apocalypse

**Disclaimer:** Its'a no mine. These lovely characters do, alas, not belong to me, but the owners of Naruto.

* * *

Kakashi POV:

It was the end. Judgment day had come for him on the wings of harpies. He can hear their shrill cries from inside the safety of his apartment. There was no escaping it. It was Valentines Day.

_No, nuh-nuh I ain't coming out, they can't make me!_

Knock Knock Knockidy Knock

He whimpered and curled under the table kunai in hand.

"Come on Kakashi-sempai I know your in there don't you want these _chocolates_?"

_Chocolate? Wait no, resist Kakashi resist! It is all part of the HHP (Horney Harpy Plot)._

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

"Kakashi-san you can't stay in there all day!"

_Watch me._

BANG BANG

"Kakashi open the damn door or I'm gonna break it down in 5 seconds."

…_.Anko…..Shit….._

"…Five!"

…_. Can't let her catch me!_

"…Four!"

_Last year she tried to put me in her kink dungeon!_

"…Three!"

_Oh god those whips! No!_

"…Two!"

_Must Run. Window. Bingo!_

"…One!"

CRASH

Women stampeded into the room to find it empty the hinges to the window still swinging.

Kakashi ran _hehe window bingo that rhymes!_

_

* * *

_

Iruka POV:

Iruka was running. By the time he reached the forest he had used 4 substitution jutsus, 3 exploding tags, 2 chakra wires, and a Fishcake in a pear tree.

Yet despite these off-season diversions he was missing his hair tie, his flack jacket, his underwear (while still keeping his pants….don't ask. Seriously) all his leg wrappings and one shoe by the time he got 5 blocks from his apartment. He had however managed to acquire many pink pieces of paper with poems sticking out of his (thankfully) remaining pants.

_(Woa too many 'P' s)_

He felt a little guilty using his ex-student in an escape, but this was the day where anything and everything must be used to keep the hounds at bay.

_Fuck Valentines Day!_

"Iru-chan you look so sexy with your hair down!"

_O.K., scratch that. Fuck Genma._

"I will shove that _senbon_ up your ass if you don't stop calling me that Genma!"

"Hehe, I rather thought the reverse Iru-"

Iruka screamed in frustration and ran faster.

The hoard of men kept hard on his heels as he pealed around corners and alleyways.

"Iruka-sensei what inspiring Youthfulness! You make my heart cry Manly Tears!"

He closed his eyes and kept running trying to erase the image of Guy-sensei running after him in all his spandex glory holding a bouquet of flowers.

…_Talk about scarring._

He crashed into an object moving at the same speed he was. Damn the laws of physics they both fell.

"Kakashi-sensei?" he asked in shock looking at the sprawled man with love-notes sticking out of his pants and seemed to be missing his jacket and one glove.

* * *

Kakashi POV:

Running and using every evasion tactic he knew he still could not escape the Harpies that easily.

He had no idea where he was going but it must be the right direction: Away from the screaming women. Yup his plan was brilliant.

Well it was brilliant until he crashed into someone, and ended up lying on the ground.

_Hehe dizzy spinney clouds!_

"Kakashi-sensei?"

_Oh noes they found me!_

Wait no that was Iruka-sensei. He looked like he was having a rough day, _maybe some clouds would help him?_

"Hey sensei look at the spinney clouds!"

SMACK

"Go crazy later! THEY are coming!" the other man sounded panicked.

Kakashi's eyes sharpened by his own panic. He sprang to his feet and looked around. Two mobs of people were running towards him.

Them.

They had terrifying war-cries.

"Kakashi-san!

"Iruka-sensei!"

The two men looked at each other and ran towards the bunkers in the Hokage Monument.

"Valentines day?" Iruka asked panting

"Valentines day." He agreed glumly.


	2. Fox in a Tree

**Disclaimer**: I still don't own Naruto and am not responsible for any brain damage this fic causes.

* * *

Sasuke POV:

I hate this world and everyone in it.

It is Valentines Day and the fangirls cometh.

I hate my life

Wait no I don't

I want to keep my life so…..

Time to plan while I hi- while I don't "hide'' per-say…but rather take up the strategic location under my bed. With my katana. Which was conveniently already there….right.

Plan A.: Kill them all

Denied. Tsunade is scary, and she won't take it well if I decimate half the female population… plus people in this world never seem to bloody stay dead!

Plan B: hide

Denied. They find you. They _always_ find you.

Plan C: run

Accepted

"Sasuke-kuuuuun!"

_Crap Sakura, my favorite stalker. A frickin Chibi Tsunade is coming after me….At least Ino isn't there, last time they fought over me they demolished a whole city block._

"Shut up billboard-brow he's mine!"

_Ino._

_Both of them in the same place. Outside my apartment._

CRASH

_Okey inside his apartment…_

EVASIVE MANUVERS!

Implementing Plan C. Fangirl-escape no jutsu

The mob of teens heard a girly scream as they burst into the bedroom only to find a Sasuke-shaped hole in the wall. (duck-butt haircut and all)

"He's getting away!"

He turned to yell over his shoulder "You'll never catch me alive coppers!"

* * *

Naruto POV:

Poke poke

_Huh?_

Poke

"Wha-" he opened his eyes. Tree. Hanging from a tree and being poked with pointy objects. How did he end up in this situation? Again?

…_.oh right Iruka used me as a distraction._

"He so owes me ramen! Believe it!' the up-side-down Naruto yelled

The circle of people blinked in unison. Okey…

"I'll give you ramen Naruto-kun!" Choji said

"Yo Naruto, I'll give you all the 'ramen' you want, so much but you'll be begging for more!" Kiba yelled and poked him again with a stick

_huh? Something seems off… but…._

"Yosh! RAMEN! RAMEN! RAMEN!" he said eyes flashing and cheeks blushing in anticipation.

Then there was a terrifying sound. A sound that would haunt him to his death. Which may very well be soon.

"KAWAIII!"

Kiba, Sai, Choji, Lee, and Gaara (when in the hell did he get here?) rushed him jumping up to where he hung.

GROUP GLOMP

"Hey what- Those are my pants! What the fuck! Where are you touching! HENTAI!"

* * *

Sasuke POV:

The city is no good, the fangirls keep popping out of the woodwork. Literally.

Damn ninjas

"SASUKE-KUUUNNN!" the mob of she-demons screeched

Plan damn you plan!

Come on Uchiha, you're a genius, a gorgeous genius, a gorgeous genius who looks great with the ninja-pirate look ass bow and all. A gorgeous geniu –wait wait focus Sasuke!

I got it.

Brilliant

I shall run into the forest and live as a squirrel until this has died down.

It can't fail.

Why? 'Cause I'm a motherfucking genius that's why!

TO THE FOREST!

WAIT FOR ME SQUIREL FRIENDS!

* * *

Naruto POV:

I am hanging from a tree being molested by horny teenagers.

_Iruka owes me LOTS of ramen._

_And a big hat, I always wanted a fluffy hat, with a feather. Yeah._

_But back to business_

PUNCH

"Paws off!"

PUNCH KICK

_Don't kill them they're your friends don't kill them. Don't kill them. Don't kill them._

The boys fell to the ground and began circling me like a wolf pack

_Who's afraid of the big bad wolf, the big bad wolf_

I lost my beloved orange jumpsuit, all I was left with was my necklace and my chibi kitsune boxers.

Clinging to a tree-branch I tried to see a way to escape the horror that is Valentines Day.

Hinata was blushing and stuttering,

Gaara was staring at me hungrily _(good wolfie, whose a good wolfie?)_

Kiba was sniffing my dangling foot _ewwwww down boy!_

"You are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me-" Oh for the love of Kami, Lee!

Sai gave me the "I will eat your soul" smile

Choji opened up a can of tuna and started waving it under the tree "Here boy, come on down now I have some tasty tuna!"

_What am I a cat?_

Neji just stood against the tree, is he undressing me with his byakugan. Seriously? Seriously?

Oh look Sasuke! …and …why is he trying to jump up a tree?

I strained my hearing

"I want to be your friend Mr. Squirrel!"

…_._

_And this ladies and gentlemen is my only hope of survival_

_I. Am. Fucked._

"TEME!"

* * *

Sasuke POV:

"TEME!"

_Dobe?_

He saw Naruto clinging to the tree limb like a cat. Naruto. In his boxers. Sweating. Blushing. And calling his name. well not his name but that's not important. Naruto was practically naked calling out to him!

DROOL

"Snap out of it Teme! I need to get these pervs off!"

"Oh Naruto your so kind! I knew my song would win you over!" cried a gleeful Lee as the assembled boys cheered.

"Ewwwwwwww. Not. What. I. Meant. You Pervert!" screamed Naruto "SASUKE help me!"

This snapped Sasuke out of the dirty place in his mind.

Sasuke ran over to the tree smashing aside anyone stupid enough. Jumped up to the branch. And threw _his_ dobe over his shoulder.

"MINE!" he cackled and ran further into the trees

"Uzumaki Naruto, you will not escape me." Said Gaara with a glare as he started running after them.

"Hey dobe do you want to be a squirrel with me?" Sasuke giggled to the form draped over his shoulder

"…..did you eat the special brownies teme?"

"…maybe…. So how about it? We'll make lots of squirrel friends and live happily ever after."

"...how about we just go to the bunkers so they don't kill us."

"Ok. Can we bring the squirrels?"

"NO! Forget about the fucking squirrels you psyco, just put me down and run!"

"Stupid Valentines day." Said a grumpy Sasuke

….

"Teme. Why aren't you putting me down?"

"Cause your just so cuddly, so squishy. Oh I got it. I shall call it Squishy, and it shall be mine, and it shall be my squishy!"

"…..Stupid Valentines day."


	3. Staying Alive

Uh _Silkyotter_ asked for more in a review. Honey I don't know if this is what you wanted, but I hope you like it.

**Disclaimer**: Still not mine.

* * *

Naruto POV:

"Yo teme, what's that?" Naruto asked looking out from under Sasuke's arm, as he was still flung over the other man's shoulder.

"Holy Mother of Mayhem squishy! Its another mob!"

"Stop calling me squi – hey! Look its Iruka and Kakashi-sensei! SENSEI!"

Sasuke POV:

Sasuke was too busy singing silently to himself to the tune of London Bridges.

_Squishy, Squishy, he is mine, his cute behind, its all mine. Squishy, Squishy see him shine, that my squishy_

Kakashi POV:

"SENSAI!"

_Crap Naruto. Which is worse...Naruto or Mob? Naruto. Mob._ _Naruto. Mob. _Wait theyr'e after Iruka too… damnit… _Naruto_

Iruka POV:

"SENSEI!"

_Man, how did he get out of that tree?_

_

* * *

_

General POV:

The four crashed into eachother.

Damn physics again, they all fall down

This time though Kakashi got too close to Naruto's backside than he ever wanted to. _Why for the love of Icha Icha is it always me?_

"Iruka-sensei! You gotta help me!" Naruto addressed Iruka as he was finally freed from Sasuke

"Naruto I'm busy staying alive!"

"STAYING ALIVE, STAYING ALIVE AH AH AH AH STAYING ALIIIIIII-IIIIIIIII-IIIIIIIII-IIIVVEEE!" Kakashi and Sasuke belted out at the top of their voices

SMACK SMACK

"Shut up!" Iruka and Naruto yelled

Kakashi pouted under his mask "Fine! See if I sing for you again!"

"Please don't." Iruka said dragging a weary hand through his long hair

_Pretty pretty pretty hair!_

Kakashi looked around confused "What?"

"Uh, sensei, you kinda said that last part out loud…" Naruto said

"Hn."

Iruka looked at him through wide eyes. "Deal with that later we have to ru- AHHHHH"

It was all over so quickly. The mob had him.

"Hey everyone I got Iruka-sensei!" random ninja #1 cried

"Yosh!" the crowd cheered

"Iruka!" Kakashi screamed. Like a little girl

He quickly punched random ninja #1 and Guy of the Manly Tears away from Iruka. "My dolphin! Go find your own! I'll save you my little flipper!"

He grabbed Iruka's wrist and ran away from the converging mobs.

"What about the kids?" Iruka asked looking back

"Its Valentines day, every man for themselves!"

"…Touché."

"Wait for us sensei!" Naruto called

"No way! Just run while you still have your pants!" Iruka called over his shoulder.

"I don't have my pants!" Naruto yelled back

The crowd cheered "NO PANTS, NO PANTS!"

"Aieeeeee! Sasuke-teme run!"

"Naruto look what you did!" Sasuke grumbled.


	4. Toast

Yea! Silkyotter liked me adding more for her/him?(honey get an account so I can talk to you)! And thanks for the inspiration... you know who you are! ;D no promises, you gotta be patient. *huggles* reviewers! You lot are too good to me!

**Disclaimer**: still not mine... but tormenting the characters is fun *pokes Iruka*

* * *

General POV:

"Oh thank Kami!" Iruka panted soft lips parted into a relieved smile

The four hunted men had managed to make it to the Hokage Monument

"I'm gonna go kiss the Hogkages!" Sasuke yelled and started to scramble up the walls

YANK

"Down boy!" Naruto ordered

He pulled Sasuke down by his shirt. The pants had met their end long ago.

Doomed to be sniffed by fangirls in the creepy stalker shrines *_shiver*_

"NO I gotta say thank you! They saved us! From beyond the grave like Jesus! Hey….they could walk on water too….. Wait does that mean Jesus was an Ninja!"

"Yes Sasuke, Jesus was a ninja." Naruto sighed

Both sensei just yelled "Just get down! We have to hide!"

Naruto pulled him along like a ragdoll "Wait –Squishy I have to!"

"NO!" the other three yelled

"...The squirrels would let me do it." Sasuke pouted cutely

_No, Naruto not cutely, Sasuke-teme can't be cute or huggable_

"Oh great Kakashi look what you started! Now they're all doing it!" Iruka shrieked as he punched Kakashi's shoulder

BLINK

"Huh?..." Naruto looked like someone told him he wore too much orange. So confusing.

"Hn. Dobe you said that out loud."

….

…

"Oh…."

"Forget it. They're gaining on us! Lead on sensei."

They all looked back. Rabid fangirls/fanboys. Coming towards them. Screaming declarations of love. And... _Oh dear I didn't know a bloke could bend that way!_

SWEATDROP

"RUN!"

Rats in a maze. Except these rats had horny harpies on their heels.

Iruka led the way, every sensei had to know the way to the bunkers after all, to protect the class. Luckily Iruka knew more than any sensei should know about the tunnels.

"I think we lost them." Iruka panted blushing from the exertion, but eyes shining in triumph.

Kakashi pulled Iruka into a half hug "You are a genius. Thank you my little flipper!"

"Don't call me that. But now we can go where I know we will be safe."

"Where Iruka-sensei? No where is safe!" Naruto cried

Iruka's usually cute face turned into a smile full of wicked glee.

_...Sexy... Focus Kakashi! No don't drool! Bad Kakashi!_

Iruka, oblivious, led them around one last corner and they saw a vault.

A big ass safe.

"I have never been so happy to have a drunk as Hokage! This is where she goes when she's hungover. If a pissed off Shizune can't get through that door, nothing can!"

They bolted inside. Sanctuary at last!

"We've all gone crazy lately, My friends out there rolling round the basement floor, wooooaaaahhhhh and someone saved my life tonight sugar bear -!" Kakahsi sang twirling Iruka around in a circle.

"Put me down!"

"You're a butterflllllly! and butterflllllllies are free to fly! Fly away! high awaaaaaay-"

SMACK

"Kakashi! You are not Elton John!"

"Fine see if I sing for you again."

"Please don't! Haven't we already had this conversation?" Iruka dragged his fingers through his hair

...

Naruto broke in "Yo teme, did you get those special brownies from Kakashi?"

"….maybe….."

THUD THUD THUD

"Iruka-sensei whatcha doing?"

"I'm trying to knock myself out by bashing my head against the wall. Now if you'll please excuse me."

THUD THUD TH-

"Kakashi! No I need to make it go away!" Iruka yelled as he was pulled away from the wall into Kakashi's arms.

Innocently. Riiiiiiiight.

Before putting him down. _Step 1 of not being murdered by a grumpy chunin (with pretty pretty hair): do not run off with him in your arms cackling._

"I have a better way little dolphin!"

He looked around the room fitted out like a proper flat. Couch, table, chairs, lamp, bed, bathroom etc.

"Ah ha! I knew if this was Tsunade's Secret Base she would have a sake stash!"

GLOMP

"I think I love you." Iruka whispered reverently as he grabbed the bottle.

_Yes! This is my chance!_

GROPE

SMACK

"Never mind."

Kakashi pouted under the mask.

_Who knew the sensei's cute little butt was so squeezable? Memo to me, memo to me, Step 2 of not being murdered by said grumpy chunin: next time duck the. Yeah. Worth it. Oh hey this time it stayed in my head! Yea. Its so echoey in here. Echo echo!_

"Kakashi?" Iruka asked after two minutes of the man just standing there.

"Yes my little flipper? It was just so echoey!"

"…. Never mind."

The four settled around the low coffee table, determined to get drunk off their asses. They deserved it after today.

Four Cups rose in a toast "FUCK VALENTINES DAY!"

* * *

**AN:** I don't own Sir Elton John or his lyrics either. And the 'Jesus was a Ninja' was inspired by _Naruto Abridged_ by MasakoX and Vegeta 3986 from Youtube (if you search for NarutoAbridgedFTW you'll find it). If your reading my story, you might like it. ^.^ Just saying(no yaoi though o.0). By the way, I'm not bashing Christians, or at least I don't mean to.

Man I promised I wouldn't do Author's notes... bad pokeyspot! bad!


	5. Honey You Killed the Kids

**AN:** Im sorry pleeeeease stop throwing shoes at me! *ducks* Help me darling readers my characters are rebelling!

Iruka: DIE! *raises kunai*

me: *whimpers* Tell my readers I loved them! *runs*

* * *

General Drunken POV:

"An' then Ino popped out o' the fence an' tried ta' eat m' hair she tore out a chunk ri' 'ere!" Saskue slurred pointing to his head "

Sasuke crawled closer to Naruto "Loo' Squishy! Look wha' she did to my pretty head!"

Naruto patted his head "S'ok your still real' cute!"

"No I don't!" Sasuke wailed

Iruka started banging his head against the table. Kakashi stopped him again before putting his hands over his ears when Sasuke started to whine.

"Bu' Squishy! Ya' don't think I'm pretty! I wanna be pretty for you! Now I can't my hair has been fuglified! Fuglified I say!"

"I jus' said yer cute! Wha' more do ya wan' teme!" Naruto yelled with a rising blush

"You think im cute! HE THINKS IM CUTE!"

GLLOMP

Sasuke was rubbing his head against Naruto's hair "Awwwwwww who's my cute squishy?" he squeezed the boy tighter against his chest.

"…Help me?..." Naruto muttered half smothered

Kakashi laughed while Iruka tried to reason with the drunken emo. "Oi! Your smothering him he can't be 'your squishy' if he's been squished to death! Put the squishy down or I'll never let you play with squirrels again!"

LE GASP (now with french accent)

"True. Sorry Squishy!" Sasuke finally let go of a now blue fishcake. Naruto huddled gasping next to Sasuke's knee.

"…You stopped for the squirrels didn't you teme?" he grumbled

" …Well-"

"Anyhow I have you all beat!" Iruka interrupted loudly drawing everyone's attention "One word. Guy."

"Poor 'Ruka! Its gonna be alright!" Kakashi exclaimed holding onto Iruka "Don' worry we'll protect you from him, right guys?"

The horrified circle nodded as solemnly as they could after a few bottles of sake.

A cup was shoved into Iruka's hand by Sasuke "Don' worry sensei, ya protected us from the fangirls, we'll protect you from the green beast…. I wonder how he got that name anyway?"

They stared at each other "Doesn't bear thinking about does it?"

"No. No it doesn't. Just pass the sake."

Bottles later found the company cheering to Naruto's performance of "Man I Feel Like a Woman"

"Lets play a game I'm booooared!" Naruto whined leaning against Sasuke's shoulder

"Alright lets play Never Have I Ever! One person says something they've never done, if you did it take a shot." Kakashi grinned his grey eye flashing at some point someone had drawn a orange heart around it.

"I'll go first."

…

…

"Whats taking so long?" Iruka asked poking the other in the shoulder

"Dunno I've done a lot. Wait I got it! Never have I ever gotten chased by the Hokage for stealing his hat."

Iruka and Naruto drink

"Sensei?" Sasuke whispered shocked.

"Mmmkkkk me next!" Naruto bounced "Never have I ever streaked through the village."

Everyone else drank

Iruka-sensei streaking? *twtich*

"Sasuke? Sensei?" Naruto whimpered

"…Yeah?" They both looked at him blankly

"Never mind."

"Drink up Naruto." Iruka hummed

"What but I didn't!"

"Lets just say this I never gave you another bath after chasing you around for two hours. I just sprayed you with the hose after that."

"So that's why you always sprayed me off your porch! I wondered….but I still don't remember!"

"Don't worry I have pictures." Iruka said grinning evily

_Wicked sexy smile must. Not. Glomp. Good Kakashi._

"My turn" Sasuke slapped his hand down on the table "Never have I ever…. Kissed my sensei."

There was silence. Iruka studied the table avidly. Kakashi found the ceiling riveting to behold.

Then they both took shots.

Then they both stared.

"You kissed Namikaze Minato the Yellow Flash?" Iruka girl-screamed then stopped just thinking of the former Hokage.

DROOL

"Sensei snap out of it!" Sasuke nudged him with his toe.

"….Sweet mother of ramen. You. You. Kakashi you kissed MY DAD?" Naruto screamed then whimpered into Sasuke's shoulder.

Kakashi scratched the back of his head awkwardly "Mah. I was just saying thank you for saving us, so I kissed his cheek. It didn't seem like a big deal at the time… I was like 11…."

Three pairs of eyes stared at him

"Hehe. Well oi! I didn't do the most shocking thing in the room. Iruka you were taught by Morino Ibiki. What. The. Crap… you kissed THAT?"

"….."

"….."

"Kakashi I think you just killed you students."

"No they're fine just in some kind of horrible shock. Care to explain?"

….AWKWARD SILENCE….

…JEPRODY MUSIC…..

…KAKASHI SINGING TO SAID JEPRODY MUSIC…

Du du duuuu du duu du duuuuuuuu du du –

"Stoppit! I was bored ok?... he's actually not a bad kisser." Iruka stammered

"No. Just no. I can't afford the therapy, though I suggest you get some. Soon. Just gimme a refill."

"Says Mr. Spinny clouds."

"Don' make me bring Genma in here."

"….Mean. Oh 'ey looks like the munchikins are up."

"Oi did I just have the weirdest dream!" Naruto said eyes wide

"The one where Gaara takes some Ramen and –"

"Ohgodnotthatone!" He shrieked.

"Oh. What could be weirder than that?"

"You know that scary dude from the chunnin exams?"

"…yeah….?"

"I just dreamed Iruka said he kissed that dude. The horror!"

"Yeah, but Squishy he di-"

"Didn't I _know_! But it still freaked me out."

"Yeah, but Dobe he really said –"

"I know he said that in the dream, but that would never happen!"

Sasuke opened his mouth to set his squishy right about this but he saw his sensei and former sensei shake their heads rapidly.

"Your right, good thing it was just a dream. Lets get back to the game."

"My turn I suppose? Alright … Never have I ever…gotten trapped by Anko in her kink dungeon."

Kakashi and Naruto drank

"TEME!" he crawled into Sasuke's lap and started singing some kind of song about bunnies

Kakashi sniffled "Mommy!"

Iruka wrapped an arm around him "There there, I didn't mean to bring up any bad memories."

"Sasuke go think of something, take your turn."

"Um I never have I ever danced the carmeldansen."

Naruto stopped snuffeling and grabbed his cup taking a shot from where he stayed in Sasuke's lap.

Kakashi took a shot too looking sheepish

Iruka looked stoic as he took his shot.

"Iruka you-" Kakashi whispered in his ear

"No but I didn't want the kid to feel embarrassed. You did the same thing right?"

"uh…..yes! yes I did."

"Ah I see. Liar! Please excuse me?" he resumed thumping his head against the table

THUMP THUM -

"Will you just quit that!"

"NEVER!"

* * *

**An:** you sooooo want to know the story behind the name the Green Beast don't 'cha, don't 'cha? Yes I'm looking at you!

...Silkyotter honey I wrote rest of the story for you. I'm glad you like it even if I can't reply proper. You'd help me run away from the characters right? Right! o.0


	6. Popcorn

**AN**: I own nothing *emo tear*

I was so busy running from the grumpy characters *pokes Iruka* and being mobbed by evil (EVIL!) plotbunnies I just now wrote this. Silkyotter and Lady Smaell risked their lives to save me *sobs* thank you! *glomps both* ... though admittedly that one time it _was_ my fault...

Kakashi: Found you at last! Chidori!

Me: I regret nothing! *flees*

* * *

"Yo Teme the couch is smiling at me…should I be worried?"

"Don't worry dobe…watch out for the wardrobe though it's been eyeing you, it probably just likes you." Sasuke mumbled into Naruto's hair

CRASH

Naruto had jumped up, knocking his head into Sasuke's

"Ow ow ow!" Sasuke grumbled rubbing his jaw

"Spanking of that! Wait that's not right speaking of that! What was with all that 'MINE' stuff!"

"Uh well…" Sasuke shifted

Kakashi passed the popcorn to Iruka who nodded in appreciation before turning back to the floor show.

"I bet you 5 ryo he glomps Naruto" Iruka whispered like you comment in movies

"No way, 10 on him babbling like an idiot."

"It's a bet." Iruka said taking another bite of popcorn

"Uh well…. You're my squishy and I didn't want to share you with the squirrels and the voices were telling me to, and we had to run away from the harpies… and the squirrels…and stuff"

"Damnit." Iruka handed over the money

"…Teme…" Naruto had to stop to think, it took a minute "Why am I your squishy – and hey stop calling me squishy!"

GLOMP

"B-but I love you squishy!" Sasuke pouted

Iruka held his hand out and Kakashi pouted before handing half of the money back over.

The two went back to watching the entertainment

"…YOU WHAT?" Naruto screamed

The table shook from how loud he was

"Batten down the hatches!" Kakashi yelled to Iruka as they dove to save the sake and popcorn.

"…. Uh well … um" Sasuke muttered looking at the ceiling rather than his lap o' _dobe_.

"…ah then…. That isn't a kunai is it?" Naruto whispered blue eyes wide

"No! No it is!" Sasuke pulled out the knife

"Whoooooo" Naruto wiped his forehead in relief

"Back to my pointy! You love me?"

... AWKWARD SILENCE...

Iruka passed Kakashi the popcorn back "5 on him confessing."

"I'll match that for him denying." Kakashi said with a grin

"… I meant… yeah." Sasuke said blushing

"Damnit." Kakashi passed the money

Naruto looked at him like he had three heads and just said fangirls were harmless.

He sat for a moment looking in awe at the man who had just confessed to him.

He leaned in close

Brought his hand up

And wrapped it around Sasuke's throat

"WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH SASUKE YOU IMPOSTER!"

He started shaking the poor emo-pants like a rag-doll

"GIVE ME SASUKE BACK!"

"Think we should so something?" Iruka asked mildly

"…Nah."

"YOU EMO STEALING BASTARD GIVE HIM BACK!"

"… Maybe we should he's turning blue." Iruka muttered

"Fine my little flipper." Kakashi sighed

"Don't call me that or I swear to Ramen, I'll pull a Naruto!" Iruka said grumpily as they pulled one teen off a blue tinged one.

Iruka sat Naruto down as he tried to lunge at the 'imposter'.

"Naruto, I need you to listen carefully okey?" Iruka adopted his teaching-little-brats voice "Sasuke. Is. Not. An. Imposter."

"But-"

"Not. An. Imposter." Iruka glared

Naruto looked confused at the huddled figure

Who gasped "…That ….didn't go well."

"Teme?" Naruto whispered horrified

"What dobe?" Sasuke snarled

"Is that you?"

"Of course its me!"

"…. What happened in the academy on the day we were assigned to team 7?"

"You mean when we accidently kissed or when you went ape-shit, ambushed me with your damn _kage bunshins _and tied me up like a pervert?" Sasuke asked with the glare of doom.

"It is you!" Naruto rushed and gave him a hug

"…Dobe?" The Uchiha squeaked very … un-Uchihaly as he blushed

"Teme why did'na you tell me?" Naruto asked softly looking into wide black eyes glowing above flushed cheeks

"…I …. I didn't think… I thought you would –"

Naruto stopped him with a kiss, soft sweet, a little testing.

"AWWWWWWW!" Kakashi and Iruka squealed interrupting this touching moment. They held onto each other like proud parents

"Our little boys are all grown up!" Iruka said with a sniff wiping a tear from his eye leaning into Kakashi's arms

"Don't worry honey, they might be grow up but they'll always be our kids." Kakashi said patting his back consolingly

Iruka sniffed

"Oi shut up!" Naruto yelled "Your not our parents you nucking futters!"

Iruka muttered "Nucking futters?"

Kakashi pouted "But I want to be!"

Sasuke launched himself at Kakashi "Daddy!"

"Flipper look I'm a Papa!" Kakashi said with a grin as he held the bipolar boy

"That's nice Kakashi." Iruka patted his head

"Will you go out with me now?"

"….Huh?"

"Well Iruka I like you." Kakashi said awkwardly

"IMPOSTER!" Iruka yelled going for a choke hold

"Oh…. So that's where I get it from." Naruto muttered as he stroked his imaginary beard thoughtfully

"No don't kill Daddy!" Sasuke wailed

Kakashi was gasping for air "God…."

"WHAT DID YOU DO WITH KAKASHI?"

"…Damn…"

"UNHENGE YOU SNEEKY BASTARD!"

"….Valentines day…"

With that Kakashi passed out.

* * *

**AN**...again *facepalm*: But I just wanted to thank anyone who is reading this story, reviewer or lurker alike *looks at lurkers* yes I mean you!:D I really do hope that you like it (feel free to e-mail me to make suggestions or requests. You read this thing so your already part of the madness anyway :P)


	7. Chocolate Sauce

**AN**: Please don't kill me! *throws cookies to readers* DON'T EAT ME! If you don't kill me I'll give you an epilogue at the end of the chapter! *flees*

**Disclaimer**: I still don't own the characters. "The List" is half owned by The-Lady-Smaell, give her credit my darling little lurkers!

* * *

SMACK

"Kakashi-sensei?"

SMACK SMACK

"Yo pervert?"

"Stop hitting Daddy-Kakashi!"

SMACK SMACK SMACK

"Alright alright already! I'm awake just stop hitting me!"

"Kakashi are you alright?" Iruka asked

While the man was unconscious he had gotten the whole He. Is. Not. An. Imposter. Talk .

Sasuke launched himself at Kakashi's chest crying 'It's alive!'

"…Yeah 'Ruka-chan, it is good to see you! Both of you."

"Damnit he can't afford any more brain damage then he clearly already has!" Iruka wailed

"I'm not drain bamaged!"

"….."

"….."

"….."

"What?"

"Nothing." The three spectators said in unison

"… ok… anyway… so you'e done hitting me my little flipper?" Kakashi asked with a cooked smile

"Not if you keep calling me that!"

Kakashi pouted "So I don't even get a chance? Do you hate me that much?"

"…..No I don't hate you."

GLOMP

"Down Kakashi! Down!"

"But you like me right?" Kakashi asked as he squeezed the sensei to him

"…Yeah I guess... idiot. Now let me go!"

CRASH CRASH CRASH

The four looked up in fright at the sound outside their vault door.

CRASH CRASH CRASH

"He's mine!"

"No way I called dibbs!"

And with those horrible sounds the vault door that could withstand anything, even a pissed off Shizune, could not withstand the fanatic obsession of the fangirls and boys. It fell in with a mighty crash.

As the dust settled you could see Sakura and Anko holding a battering ram and the other fangirls and boys grasping the doorframe peering into the darkness.

The men saw their lives flash before their eyes, _young at home running, why did I eat that dirt? I can't believe I did that, _Up until this very moment.

They braced their selves for death and grasped at their final moments.

"This is the end Squishy! I love you!" Sasuke sobbed pulling Naruto into a fierce kiss.

_Ah excellent plan my young emo-padawan_

"Goodbye my little Flipper!" Kakashi pulled Iruka harshly against him before attacking his lips.

The fangirls/boys stood frozen.

….SILENCE….

The hunted men forgot about their imminent demise, instead melting into their unlikely loved ones.

The crowd fell back like dominos blood streaming from their noses.

When the wanted men finally came up for air they found the unconscious bodies of their comrades surrounding the entrance.

Half the village had passed out from bloodloss at the erotic site the two couples made.

They were….. saved?

"They're out cold." Iruka said from Kakashi's lap.

*poke*

"Naruto stop poking them!"

"Jeeze teme I was just checking!"

_And with one erotic display, the four survived the dreaded Valentines day._

"Kakashi stop narrating our story!" Iruka yelled

"But it rhymed!"

THUMP THUMP THUMP

Iruka looked up pitifully from his head banging "….Fucking Valentines Day."

"...Well if you want my little Flipper!" Kakashi smiled at him

THUMP THUMP THUMP

* * *

Epilogue:

1 Month Later, Hokage's Office:

"You're probably wondering why I called you all here today." Tsunade said peering at the assembled group, namely Kakashi, Iruka, Sasuke and Naruto. Aka the bane of her existence in the past weeks.

"YOU, have caused quite a stir in my village, and Iruka I expected better of you."

A giggle was heard, but when Tsunade looked up they all put on their most innocent face.

She handed over 4 sheets of paper. Each titled "What you are **NOT** allowed to do in public."

"But Tsunade no one else has to follow rules like these!"

"Well no one else keeps sending my soldiers to the hospital because they had such massive nosebleeds! We're running out of blood for transfusions brat! You four are single handedly taking out some of the greatest warriors in the world!" She yelled hitting her sake down on her desk with a thunk.

She raised her fist

The assembly feared for their lives

"Hai hai! We understand Hokage-sama!"

The Fist of Doom lowered

"Alright then, dismissed."

* * *

Outside in the hallway they looked over the list.

1) **No** making out or groping in public! NOT ENOUGH BLOOD GOD DAMN IT!

2) No more using Genjutsu tags to show off your partners ass without their knowledge. I am not being held responsible for any injuries incurred it is your own damned fault Kakashi.

3) No threatening fan-girls with a katana. I needed those shinobi!

4) No using innocent squirrels as an escape method. The poor little blighters are traumatized enough.

5) The four of you: NO ALCOHOL EVER AGAIN!

6) It is not acceptable to conduct an impromptu strip search. I don't CARE what Anko said.

7) Kakashi is not allowed to ask Iruka anything whilst he is working.

8) Kakashi Hatake + Class Substitute = NEVER EVER AGAIN! ... Those poor, poor children.

9) Kakashi Hatake is hereby barred from the academy grounds until the day he dies. I've had enough Icha Icha themed complaints to last a life time.

10) No listening to Anko full stop. Her inner fan-girl is already strong enough she does not need any encouragement.

11) Dipping yourself in chocolate and running butt naked through Konoha although effective is not an acceptable means of luring out certain ninja. Iruka I really thought better of you.

12) The Forest of Death is there as a training ground ONLY!

13) I will make this VERY CLEAR! You are not allowed to pimp out your students and inform the fan-girl of their 'love nest'. I don't care that they ratted you out, as once again I point out it's your own damned fault.

14) Naruto you are not allowed to attempt to make ramen 'sexy'.

15) Sasuke you are not allowed to encourage him.

16) Sasuke you're not allowed to chidori people that 'look at Naruto funny'

17) Kakashi this goes for you too about Iruka, and you know it

18) Naruto, Konohamaru is not a projectile, you can't feed him to the fangirls to get away.

19) This also applies to innocent bystanders (Nara Shikamaru is still in therapy), and the squirrels (...I can't believe that we have to repeat that one Uchiha)

20) Playing poker does not always mean strip poker, I don't care what you were thinking Iruka!

21) Naruto you are not allowed to swim in the lake. Why? Because last time Sauske's 'naked dobe senses' made him sprint to the lake and the following display scarred our children.

22) I take it back: You four. Clothes. Always. Blood people!

23) ... Getting around this by wearing lingerie and claiming they're 'clothes' is also prohibited. I'm looking at you Naruto.

24) Kakashi stop calling Iruka 'my little flipper' when he kills you I'll make sure he gets away with it. Why? Because you're annoying the crap out of me Brat!

25) Sasuke the same goes for calling Naruto squishy. And for the love of Kami! Don't tell people why he deserves the name. Stop scarring our children Uchiha!

26) Sasuke/Kakashi are not allowed to use their Sharingan to make the fan-girls/boys believe they are trees. I lost a months worth of missions because of that stunt.

27) It is NOT OKAY for you to dress up in women's clothing, even if it is to 'Outsmart the enemy'. Konoha nearly _died_ that day because the half that wasn't lusting after your male selves were rather attracted to your female selves.

28) You are not allowed to bribe ANBU under any circumstances.

29) Kakashi stop threatening Teuchi, he is not going to spike Iruka's ramen no matter what you say.

30) Umino Iruka is not allowed to make his special brownies, I do not appreciate having my all my mission room staff knocked unconscious.

31) We do not appreciate that room being knocked unconscious for being in the same room with Iruka by you either Kakashi

32) ... please for the love of Kami put up silencing wards!

33) Kakashi when Iruka yells at your for a bad mission report don't suggest ways you can make it up to him. See rule 31 for not knocking out the mission room.

34) You are not allowed to punish eachother for breaking these rules. I'm looking at you Sasuke.

35) Stop making my life harder you idiots

* * *

Iruka leaned against Kakashi as they walked out of the building.

"So are we going to follow the rules?" He asked Kakashi with a grin

"Of course not my little Flipper!"

Iruka turned yelling "I told you to stop calling me tha-"

A kiss silenced his protests. His body pulled snug against his crazy jounin, lips and tongues engaged in a fierce battle.

Iruka pulled back panting "You realize we just broke two of the rules right?"

Kakashi pulled up his mask but you could see his wicked smirk "...Wanna break some more?"

"I'll get the chocolate sauce." Iruka grinned

* * *

**AN**: Yeah it's over, I hope you enjoyed it!

o.0 Holy Sweet Muffins! Thank you to all who put this on alert, marked it as a favorite, or put me on author's alert. (When I finally checked my e-mail I literally fell out of my chair... smooth right?)

Silkyotter: Thank you for your demands I continue this, this is dedicated to you (*stern look* honey get an account!)

Lady Smaell: ... you are so to blame for part of this madness and you know it. *huggles*


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